Xena Warrior Princess: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, The Return of Callisto, Warrior...Princess...Tramp

Hey, I know it's been very quiet around here lately, but recent events have certainly dampened the will to write, not to mention the fact that this week is certainly going to go down in history as the Biggest Popculture Weekend of All Time, what with saying goodbye to the Avengers in Endgame, the battle of Winterfell in Game of Thrones, and the second season of She-Ra dropping on Netflix (still more excited about that last one than anything else).

Get some rest everyone, as we've got a very emotional week of fiction ahead of us.

But while we wait, here are some more Xena reviews! Looking back, I remember watching these episodes while recovering from the flu, which made for some very strange fever-dreams...

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Plot: Xena and Gabrielle meet up with Joxer, who is on a mission to protect the severed head of Orpheus, a bard whose music was enough to keep the god Bacchus under control. They agree to fetch Orpheus's lyre, coming up against the Bacchae (maidens transformed into vampires) along the way.

If Giant Killer made me envision a writer who was bored, tired and lazy, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun brought to mind a writer who was hyperactive, overexcited...and still kinda lazy.

So much about this episode was just bizarre. Bacchus and the Bacchae? Surely the screenwriter meant to use Dionysus and his Maenads, right? Except maybe not, because here, Bacchus and his minions are a giant horned red-skinned demon and a harem of vampires. Why use the Roman/Greek god of wine at all when you could have just made up a completely different name instead?

Ditto for the dryads, who apparently aren't fairly harmless wood-spirits, but winged skeletons. Buh? And what the heck is Orpheus doing here? Okay, he was tenuously connected to the Maenads in the myths (if memory serves, they're the ones who cut his head off), but now Eurydice dies in the cross-fire of a Xena/Bacchus battle? Since when?

And I know that this is something that I'm just going to have to get used to, but I'm getting a bit fed-up with every single guest star being someone that Xena either wronged or helped in the past.  Can't she meet new people every now and then? Orpheus's whole "I'm blaming you for the death of my wife" shtick not only felt old, but pointless as well. Every time he opened his real or animatronic mouth to complain about it, I was left thinking: "well, maybe she shouldn't have been wandering through a war zone."

I kinda found it interesting that Xena was actually defending herself on this issue instead of making Eurydice's death yet another mark on her guilty conscience, but... it never really went anywhere, and Orpheus's apology came out of nowhere. He didn't gain any new knowledge or understanding of the circumstances of his wife's death to make him ease up on Xena, so I guess he just realized it was near the end of the episode and he didn't want to go out as a jerk.

So I think the gist of the plot was that Xena and Gabrielle (and Joxer) have to find Orpheus's lyre and play it because it... hurts Bacchus's ears? (I have to admit, I forgot halfway through the episode what they needed it for). Luckily for them, he's decided to put the only thing capable of destroying him on display in his evil lair instead of throwing it into the bonfire steadily burning in the centre of his throne room. That was nice of him.

Also ranking somewhere between "inexplicable" and "WTF?" on the random weirdness scale was Gabrielle turning into a vampire (Xena got bitten and it had no effect, so how and when did Gabrielle become a vampire?) and the fact that only a Bacchae can kill Bacchus, which is a strange loophole because once a woman becomes a Bacchae they are in complete thrall to his will.

Yet as soon as Xena gets her own yellow eye contacts and evil white makeup, she doesn't hesitate in flying down from the ceiling and staking Bacchus to death. And hey, Gabrielle even helps her do it.

Extra weirdness points for the rave party (complete with reggae-style rapping), the frantic head-shaking and seizure-inducing close-ups on the vampires, the friendly dogs standing in for vicious wolves, the fact that the vampire-chicks clearly had their lines dubbed over because they couldn't talk around the giant fake fangs, and the final scene with Bacchus's eye and evil laughter superimposed over the final shot of Xena and Gabrielle walking over the hills. Um...kay.

Okay, so I'm being incredibly snarky here. It was certainly more entertaining than Giant Killer on account of the sheer craziness of it all, and I get that this was some sort of parody/homage to B-rated horror flicks, perhaps with a little wink to Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the mix (anything Buffy can do, XENA CAN DO BETTER).

I liked the growing rapport between Gabrielle/Joxer, and they bounced off each other with great comedic timing. I'm pretty sure Joxer made me laugh out loud a couple of times - I don't remember at what, and maybe it was just my high temperature, but it happened.

I'm guessing the subtexters liked some of the scenes between Xena/Gabrielle/and the dominatrix vampire girls, but honestly, I had the same problem with these scenes that I do with most of the slash-bait in "Merlin" -- that subtext doesn't count for much when the CONTEXT is so bad. In the case of Merlin it's because whenever Merlin and Arthur get physical with each other, it's because Arthur is beating Merlin up, or Merlin is humiliating Arthur with magic.

In this particular case, all the grinding and neck-biting and seductive dancing was wrapped up in "evil psycho lesbian vampire" cliches. Give me sweet and natural friendship scenes between Xena/Gabrielle and Arthur/Merlin over gratuitous pandering any day.

Still, in my current sick and feverish state, this episode did end up providing some rather unusual dreams. Apparently I need to get a pair of vampire teeth to unlock the door to the grape festival - Xena told me so.    

The Return of Callisto

Plot: Joxer appears to Xena and Gabrielle to tell them Callisto has escaped from prison, at about the same time Perdicas reappears and proposes to Gabrielle, who accepts. During her pursuit of Callisto, Xena realizes that she's targeting Gabrielle instead, and hurries back only for Callisto to murder Perdicas instead.  

Well, obviously it was a huge improvement on the last few episodes, but... don't kill me... I was still a little underwhelmed - at least for the first three-quarters of the episode.

The big problem was (obviously) Perdicus. We've met this guy twice. In a way, we've only met him once considering his characterization was changed drastically between his first and second appearance. Heck, they even changed the actor.

And now we're meant to buy the following: a. Perdicus tracked Gabrielle down (after how long?) in order to immediately propose marriage, b. Gabrielle fell in love with him in Troy (oh, that must be why she's mentioned him all those times since then), c. she's willing to get married to him even though avoiding marriage to him was the reason she left home in the first place, d. she's willing to abandon Xena and settle down because Perdicus says "I need you" and has a meltdown in the midst of battle (wow, great basis for a relationship).

Don't get me wrong, I didn't dislike Perdicus, but given that 80% of the emotional resonance of this episode rested with his murder, there was absolutely no reason to care about him or his relationship with Gabrielle whatsoever.

Surely it would have been a better idea to introduce him three or so episodes ago, using him instead of Joxer to re-establish his rapport with Gabrielle and give us some reason (however slim) as to why she'd so quickly want to ditch Xena and hook up with him instead. As it was, I was blinking in astonishment during the wedding scene, wondering if it was some sort of dream sequence.

And then he was dead  before the halfway mark. I appreciate the continuity on Troy (no update on Helen?), but apart from that, nothing about this pairing was convincing.

On a meta-level, I suppose the gender-flipping stereotype of the male being the undeveloped character who gets killed off for emotional impact in order to focus on the grief/rage/vengeance of the two female characters against a third female character was pretty awesome, but from within the story, Perdicus's role was just too underdeveloped and as such, the emotional impact his death should have had fell flat.

I also think on some level the writers wanted to "upgrade" Gabrielle by having her lose her virginity and go through a crisis of faith, and the wedding night sequence was very cute (and hey, it was more than Robin/Marian ever got) but WAY too many storytelling shortcuts were taken in order for the writers to hurry on to what they clearly wanted the story to be about all along: Xena and Callisto. 

Which was great. I loved the opening sequence with Callisto in the jail. Though I'm not sure how Callisto was meant to eat when she had her arms bound to the chair, it was still a good escape sequence, what with the focus on her bare feet, the chanting of her name by the other prisoners, the casual slaughter of the guards, and then the way Callisto's hands were smeared with blood as she gave out her orders to Theodorus and tells him to bring along the chair.

Also, full points to Callisto for figuring out what Ares hasn't - that Gabrielle is Xena's weakness, and hurting her is the best way to hurt Xena. And in a way it almost works, though not fully in the way Callisto intended: by killing Perdicus, Callisto makes Gabrielle angry and vengeful (in fact, it perhaps would have been better for Callisto to have made Perdicus the intended target all along, knowing what the effect on Gabrielle would be, and how that would hurt Xena even more).

That was a really good scene between X/G in which the latter demands that the former teach her how to use a sword, as well as Xena's prayer afterwards. The fact that she's specifically praying for Gabrielle's innocence was a nice touch (this was why she gave up Lyceus in the alt-world episode, and I suppose it was deliberate that this should come shortly on the heels of Gabrielle losing her metaphorical innocence to Perdicus), and of her repeating Gabrielle's words back to her over the fact that vengeance won't achieve anything.

Gabrielle's decision to run away by herself and try and kill Callisto was a bit too obvious (they tried to deflect it by having her overhear Xena's prayer, but the "goodbye" was a giveaway), and naturally she doesn't go through with it.

Kudos to Joxer in causing a distraction long enough for Xena to get her chakram back, and then the great line from Callisto about Gabrielle: "I could have been her." I think that was a big factor in Xena's decision to not save Callisto, which in itself was another great scene. There were probably a lot of things going through Xena's head: that Callisto was too far gone to be redeemed, that she had to protect Gabrielle (and other innocent lives) from her, etc, but I think a lot of it had to do with that line from Callisto. In Xena's mind, it can go visa-versa, and so let Callisto sink so there would be no reason for Gabrielle to turn out like her. (Definitely a big change from the last time these two went up against Callisto).

There's a fine line between murder and letting someone die - it's hard to judge Xena harshly on the decision she makes, but at the same time, you're aware that this isn't exactly the action (or non-action) of a squeaky-clean hero.

There were a couple of nice touches: the chariot race was well done, as was that fantastic shot of Callisto's face through Xena's chakram; as well as the presence of a dark-haired girl in the village, which not only looked like a young Xena, but was reminiscent of the blue-eyed boy who died in the first Callisto episode.

Also, I thought that it was a good character touch that Callisto would have no qualms about sitting in the chair that had restrained her for so long - any sane person wouldn't want anything to do with it after escaping it. Obviously that's not the case for Callisto.

Warrior... Princess... Tramp

Plot: Xena discovers that she has another identical double after Princess Diana is kidnapped and a tavern wench called Meg is brought in to impersonate her. Hijinks ensue...

This was pretty fun, despite its odd placing after such a tragedy.

So Lucy Lawless has another character to add to her resume, with another identical double. What are the odds? Still, despite the simplistic premise, at least the writers/actors were talented enough to milk it for genuinely funny laughs. Lucy was great as Xena, the slightly-nasal Diana, and then the twitchy, face-pulling Meg. It was a comedy episode that was genuinely funny because of the circumstances it created. Some of my favourite bits:

Gabrielle's increasing frustration in the dungeon.

Meg playing in front of the mirror: "Xena, with a capital Z", and then throwing the sword in the ceiling and falling on the table.

Meg's method of putting the baby to sleep, and the nursemaid's baffled reaction.

Diana's "I'll probably be dead soon" because she's been sitting on a cold floor all day: "Who could survive that?"

And the slightly contrived but still great sequence in which the three "Xenas" confront the bad guys, and the first two give themselves away by calling the chakram a "round killing thing" and "shamrock!" Loved the real Xena's entrance afterwards: "Guess which one I am!"

Meg was a surprisingly good character. I liked that although she was technically an antagonist, the heroes realized that it was a second chance she needed, not any punishment. Also nice was that despite the title, no one felt the need to slut-shame her. I liked Xena's line to Meg about how her past doesn't matter: "Do good now and you are good." That's an interesting thought, though perhaps a tad simplistic.

Xena's "are you suicidal?" to Joxer was actually genuinely scary. I can see why the girls want to ditch him if he acts like this all the time (and keeps ruining Xena's plans), but there were some funny moments with him, mainly thanks to Ted Raimi walking the fine line between hapless and sleazy. Quite an interesting line was when he said: "I'm ruining one of the great friendships!" Wow. How insightful of him, channeling the general attitude of thwarted shippers everywhere when they blame a third-party for interfering with their OTP.

Odd things:

I'm not sure why characters keep referring to Gabrielle as a blonde. She's more of a red-head.

The King is dying and ready to leave his kingdom to Diana. Then Xena walks out of his room at the end of the episode and announces: "He's going to be fine. He may live on for years yet." Er...okay.

We learn neither the baby's name nor its gender.

How strange that Diana had three identical red dresses. And that Xena had two warrior outfits lying around for Diana and Meg to get their hands on.

They go to the trouble of bringing back the actor for Philomon (instead of forgetting about this character completely), only to have him not do a damn thing.

And wow, we get a half-way decent bad guy who actually tests "Meg" with his sword to see if she's not Xena (only to be fooled anyway, but it's more than most would have done).