The next three episodes are comprised of two very light comedy episodes, and one very serious one that is let down by trite writing, bad acting, and an attempt to resolve a profoundly complex scenario involving a kidnapped child, a grieving family, and multi-generational hostilities between two cultures within forty-five minutes. Xena may have many skills, but even she can’t pull that one off.
All three episodes are filler, though you have to recall that this was the norm rather than the exception back in the early noughties. In these days of heavily serialized storytelling, it’s actually something of a treat to watch three standalone stories (regardless of quality) that are entirely self-contained. Bkac when most shows had twenty-two episodes per season, there was time for characters to breath, to bounce off each other, and to just plain have fun. Imagine that!
The Key to the Kingdom
Plot: After stealing a precious gemstone, Autolycus runs into Xena and Joxer, only to be informed that this Xena is actually one of her lookalikes: the barmaid Meg. The hapless duo have a plan to plunder the treasury of a nearby kingdom for a legendary treasure: the Crown of Athena, which went missing when the young King Cleades disappeared.
Only they’ll need the skills of a master thief in order to thwart the two warlords that rule the kingdom in place of their king, guarding the mysterious “key” that is said to lead the bearer to the mystical treasure. As Meg poses as Xena in order to distract them, Autolycus breaks into the storeroom and discovers that the “key” is actually a baby.
It’s at that point Meg’s real objective becomes apparent. As she casually has Autolycus arrested, she nabs the baby for herself so she can start a real family. After gaining some intel regarding how to obtain the crown in prison, Autolycus promptly escapes and realizes that the baby’s blanket is the map to where it’s hidden.
The trio reach the temple hiding place and while they’re busy fighting off the warlords, the baby crawls into position on a raised dais and is transformed into a fully-grown young man. He’s the missing King Cleades. Turns out he was turned into a baby by Athena in order to learn something about how to properly rule a kingdom.
The real Xena turns up to trounce the warlords, and comforts Meg as she quietly grieves for the family she’ll never have.
There’s not a whole lot to say about this one. It was an interesting choice to team up Joxer, Meg and Autolycus (with the real Xena appearing only in the last ten or so minutes, and Gabrielle not appearing at all) and there were a few fun things about the premise.
The idea of characters being aged/de-aged into babies or geriatrics as punishment for their transgressions is an old fairy tale conceit (perhaps used most famously in Howl’s Moving Castle) though I’ve no idea how Cleades was meant to learn more about how to best rule a kingdom when he was an infant stuck in a box, or why his wife (transformed into an old woman tasked with taking care of him) was being punished for his crimes!
And what a waste of Craig Parker!
Still, there was an attempt to plug a few plot holes as they happened. At first I was confused as to why Meg went to all the trouble of stealing a prince instead of just adopting one from the nearest orphanage... until she said he was lonely and unloved. Then I wondered why she didn’t just have a baby of her own... until she confided in Xena that she couldn’t. That scene between Xena and Meg at the end was surprisingly touching, all the more so since Lucy was playing both characters and therefore having to play opposite herself.
But is it just me or has Meg changed a little from when she first appeared? Lucy is to be commended for how her entire voice and body language changes (you could tell it wasn’t the real Xena before she’d even opened her mouth) but this was a bit much. I don't remember Meg being quite this OTT.
And the whole notion behind the curse-breaking riddle was pretty clunky, what with the map being hidden on the baby's blanket (no one ever noticed that before?) and Cleades simply having to sit on a raised cushion in order to activate the hidden door – but whatever, the writers didn’t seem to care so neither will I.
It’s always nice to see Bruce Campbell as Autolycus, and if nothing else, this was a notable episode due to the fact it’s the only one in which Gabrielle doesn’t feature at all, not even to mention where she is. Ultimately, it’s neither the worst nor the best comedy episode they’ve ever done. It’s just an episode.
Daughter of Pomira
Plot: While travelling, Xena and Gabrielle notice a hunting party of the Hoard, which includes a young blonde, blue-eyed girl. Realizing she may be the lost child of Xena’s old friends, whose daughter Vanessa went missing six years ago, Xena and Gabrielle creep into Hoard territory in order to snatch her.
The operation is successfully pulled off, but Vanessa (now insisting her name is Pilee) has been raised by the Hoard and remembers nothing of her former life. Her reunion with her biological parents doesn’t go well, and tensions between the villagers and the Hoard only heighten when the latter come in search of their chieftain’s missing daughter.
Not helping is the interference of a young warrior called Milo, who hates the Hoard and will do whatever it takes to sabotage Xena’s efforts at a lasting peace by using Vanessa/Pilee as a bridge between the two cultures. Things come to a head outside the village walls, and after Xena deals with Milo (who puts up an astoundingly good fight for a one-shot minor character pitted against the mighty Xena) Pilee manages to talk both sides down.
As with “Key to the Kingdom”, this episode was similarly just okay – which is sometimes worse than being overtly bad, since it’s also imminently forgettable. It won’t make any Best Of Xena lists, but it won’t have the distinction of ever making the Worst Of either.
Problem is, I didn't really like the Horde the first time around, and that hasn't changed. They still feel vaguely racist, the first time because they were dangerous savages, and now because they're noble savages. Furthermore, even though it isn't the show's fault, Xena and Gabrielle deciding that Vanessa had been kidnapped because she was fair-headed unfortunately reminded me of that case a few years ago in which a blonde child was forcibly taken from its traveller parents because the authorities deemed it couldn't possibly be theirs (it was).
And I’m not even sure why the Horde are considered that big of a threat, especially with all the warlords running around. They throw a mean axe, but we learn here that they only retaliate when others damage their trees and water sources. That saps away any threat they might once have posed, especially when they were originally established as something even Xena was afraid of.
Here she seemed almost ho-hum about them. And I'm not sure why we were meant to feel sorry for them either. They might have been less dangerous than everyone believed, but they still kidnapped a little girl from her parents.
The idea of a child being in the unique position of having a foot in each world and therefore able to make peace based on her ties with both sides of the conflict was an interesting one, though there wasn’t much time to explore it properly. It perhaps would have made more sense if Rahl and Adrah were more prominent members of the community with some social clout instead of two lowly villagers.
As it was, I’m not entirely sure how or why the conflict was resolved. Will Vanessa continue to negotiate peace? Why would anyone listen to her? Won't her real parents continue to be bitter that the Horde chief has stolen their only child? Instead of delving into these issues, too much time was taken up with the initial rescue mission and Milo’s subsequent warmongering. As a result, Vanessa’s identity crisis was barely touched upon. I liked the moment when she recognized her doll, but it all ended on a half-hearted ambiguous note.
And what was up with the names in this episode? Milo, Vanessa, Garth, Rahl... are we still in Ancient Greece? I recognized the little actress that played Vanessa – she’s all grown up now and has enjoyed a steady career on Shortland Street, New Zealand’s longest-running soap (according to IMDB, she’s been on it for well over a decade and clocked up four hundred and fifty-two episodes). She's quite good here, though the acting of her parents left a lot to be desired.
In a word, this episode was half-hearted. I could tell it was meant to be a sequel episode to “The Price,” but it didn't continue with any of its predecessor’s themes, and it changed the nature of the Horde to such an extent that I’m not sure why they bothered bringing them back.
If the Shoe Fits...
Plot: After some early morning domestic squabbles, Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer have just captured a warlord called Zantar when they recoil from an explosion at a nearby temple dedicated to Aphrodite. Rushing in, they discover the Goddess of Love scolding a little girl (the cause of the explosion) called Alesia.
Recognizing her as the daughter of a nearby royal couple, Xena learns that the little princess has run away from her evil stepmother, only to fall into the dubious care of Aphrodite. Xena decides to take Alesia home, and on the way the entire company take turns in entertaining her with variations on Cinderella, each inserting themselves into the leading role and casting everyone else as the step-family, handsome prince, and fairy godmother.
Aphrodite decides she wants Alesia back again, the warlord’s men try to rescue their leader, and Alesia refuses to accept her stepmother’s love – all the barest threads of subplots to pad out the time before the credits roll.
Finally, a comedy episode that's actually funny! Okay, there have been plenty of those, but none lately. This doesn’t match up to the cleverness of the Groundhog Day episode, but it’s still a fun look at these characters and their perceptions of both themselves and their companions.
Most of the stuff in the “real world” plot was either weird or pointless (why did Xena use Gabrielle’s clothing as rope to restrain Zandar? Why didn’t Alesia call for help when she was dangling off that cliff? How on earth did Gabrielle’s shower water keep getting replenished? Why did Alesia hate her stepmother in the first place? And why did Aphrodite free that warlord when it had nothing whatsoever to do with her goal of retrieving Alesia?)
Olivia Tennant as Alesia was super adorable without being cloying, and she’s another New Zealand actress that has since grown up and appeared on Shortland Street – though most international audiences will have seen her as the little girl in The Two Towers who rides with her brother from their burning village and gets shushed by Eowyn when she asks for her mother in Edoras. (Fun fact: that’s the only time The Lord of the Rings trilogy passes the Bechdel Test!) I’ve also seen her in Maddigan’s Quest, a kiwi fantasy show alongside Rose McIver – who also cut her acting teeth in a Xena episode – but that was a few years on from this and I’d never seen her this young before.
In the myriad retellings of a Grecian Cinderella, everyone puts their own spin on the characters they play. So Gabrielle’s “Tyrella” is a total martyr, Xena’s has no interest whatsoever in marrying the prince, and Joxer’s is well aware of how clumsy and stupid he is, and so has himself transformed into a suave prince. Even Aphrodite demonstrated some insight: according to her take on the characters, Xena is coarse and stupid (but not totally inept) whilst Gabrielle is little more than Cletis the Slack-Jawed Yokel.
It wraps up a little too neatly (when exactly did Alesia decide her stepmother wasn’t that bad? Was it when someone told her that the credits were about to roll?) and I’m not sure why Aphrodite was even required in this story, but I love Alexandra Tyding’s take on the famous goddess and she has pretty good comic timing. This was a genuinely funny episode in a lot of a respects. Lucy Lawless's fairy godmother made me laugh, as did the spin on her “I have many skills” catchphrase, which became an awed “check out his social skills” in regards to Joxer. They didn’t even try to hide Ted Raimi’s dancing double which is what made it twice as funny, and that goes ditto for Renee’s obviously dubbed singing.
All that stuff about Gabrielle storming off seemed incidental, and the way she explained her return was rather hokey: by explaining that she’s learned every family has its troubles. Please, she knew that already – she was just annoyed and wanted to blow off steam. There was never any question of her not returning, either to Xena or the audience.
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