The Musketeers: The Queen's Diamonds

I know this review is horribly late, but it's been a pretty awful fortnight for me. It wasn't just international news concerning Brexit and terrorist attacks and tragic deaths both accidental (Anton Yelchin) and intentional (Jo Cox), but my great aunt Isabel passed away. I was quite close to her, and I feel guilty that I kept putting off visiting her in her final week (you keep assuming you have more time) until it was too late.

It's all been enough to trigger a full-blown existential crisis, complete with panic attacks, weeping spells and bouts of depression. If anyone has the answers to God, life and humanity's purpose, please let me know ASAP.

Me, basically.

So with that cheerful lead-in... The Musketeers? If you haven't already left this page in confusion/horror, then know that the simple act of watching an episode of television and writing about it afterwards has been therapeutic. So don't mind me and my emotional collapse – let's talk about the Musketeers!

Of all the guest stars they could have brought back from season one, I suppose James Callis as Émile Bonnaire was a good choice (though I would have preferred Fiona Glascott as Flea). He's an inherently funny actor, who's able to make even something as simple as walking around or making a facial expression hilarious. I'm not sure what's going on with his voice though: surely it's not always that deep and gravelly.

I'm also not sure why he's dressed like a blue leprechaun. 

His reappearance not-so-coincidentally coincides with the theft of the Queen of England's diamonds by a highwayman, and having ascertained that he's the culprit, the Musketeers are tasked with getting the jewels back.

Along the way, Aramis is waylaid by a rather strange little subplot. During the investigation he bumps into an old friend called Pauline (Laura Haddock!) who is engaged to a man called St Pierre (Paul McGann!).

After what feels like a slight retcon of Aramis's history – though it doesn't flat-out contradict anything – we learn that Aramis wasn't raised on an idyllic country estate alongside his first love Isabelle (later sister Helene) as I'd always assumed, but in a brothel where his mother worked. I suppose this kind of explains certain aspects of Aramis's personality, but more relevant for this subplot is that Pauline lived there too, and is now being blackmailed by someone who doesn't want her marrying Pierre.

As the other Musketeers search for the diamonds on the tail of a horse called Selene (I trust you've already seen the striking similarity between D'artagnan and a certain Disney Prince) and in a traditional Western shootout which hilariously involves Bonnaire cry out the arranged code-word far too late for it to have any relevance, Aramis tries to suss out Pauline's situation.

A couple of odd things stick out: the implication (but non-explanation) that Pauline is a little simple-minded, and an unexpected act of violence from Pierre that's never touched on again after he goes to beat a servant – but ultimately Aramis's deductive skills lead him to the blackmailer: this highly suspicious-looking groom:

You cast this man if you want a suspicious-looking groom.

It's at this point the A-plot decides to join him, for the last missing diamond is revealed to be Pauline's wedding ring.

The standoff is where things get interesting. Captain Athos gives Aramis (who is defending Pauline's right to keep the ring) a direct order. Aramis responds by not obeying. Weapons are drawn, and Porthos – unable to handle the upset of his entire universe – storms out. It's up to Pauline to break the stalemate by giving up the ring.

It's the best scene of the episode, as it's the first time (at least to my mind) we've seen genuine, uncomfortable discord between Athos/Aramis. Not even that time Aramis slept with the Queen led to this type of confrontation.

And then we get this exchange between Athos and Porthos: "Aramis is my penance." "Mine too." Aww.

That just leaves the denouement, in which Bonnaire is outed at court not only as the fence for the stolen diamonds, but the highwayman too, working in tandem with his latest wife, the Queen's lady-in-waiting (Sarah Smart! This is certainly an episode for familiar faces).

In King Louis and Queen Anne's only substantial scene, they convince Queen Henrietta to show clemency (okay it's mostly Louis – Anne is still being infuriatingly underused, but it's a good scene for Louis who's a lot more easy-going since his diagnosis).

Bonnaire and his wife scurry off into the sunset, while Pauline confronts the stable boy, stabs him to death, and then collapses into tears in her Blood Splattered Wedding Dress (yeah, it's a trope – who knew?) And then – it ends. Yeah, that's all we get from that: a confused bridegroom, a weeping bride-murderer and Aramis looking vaguely confused. I'm not entirely sure what we're meant to take away from this.

I checked IMDB and this is the last we see of her.

Miscellaneous Observations:

So Athos and Sylvia are an item now? Okay. I think it's a little too quick (despite Athos's reticence at the thought of commitment) but I really can't bring myself to complain about it. Sylvie is lovely and Mamie McCoy was pregnant.

I appreciated the continuity surrounding Bonnaire: that Porthos was especially surly toward him, that he apparently leapt overboard from the ship we last saw him on, and even (which I loved most of all) that he fondly remembers his first wife. As you'll recall, this show had a pretty bad track record when it came to female characters in the first three episodes, and Bonnaire's wife came to a tragic end – but just as the show recalled Adele at the start of the season, so too did Bonnaire spare a moment to remember Maria.

Constance doesn’t get much to do this episode, but I love that Aramis tells Pauline that he trusts her. I made this point ages ago, but none of the female "love interests" are simply love interests. They all have responsibilities of their own and relationships with men who are not their husbands/lovers.

It was a short scene, but a good one - and I wish their rapport was more like the one we see in this picture:

Sums them up really.

A tiny thread of plot lets us know that Feron and Grimauld are up to something – but I'm sure it'll be a while before we find out what it is.