Review: The Adventures of Maid Marian

For a few months now, I have been beside myself with excitement at the approaching release of a film called The Adventures of Maid Marian, which seemed to combine two of my favourite things: one of the most legendary heroines of all time, and terrible films. Sometimes an awful movie can be just as (if not more so) fun and entertaining as a brilliant one, and judging by the trailer released a couple of months ago, The Adventures of Maid Marian promised to deliver.

Cheap production values, awkward dialogue, performers who looked like they’d been hired straight out of their high school drama club... damn, I love this delightful garbage. These are the sorts of films that make you sit back and ponder: who made this? And why? Where did they get their funding? What inspired them to do any of this? How is it even real?

As such, the film ended up being a mild disappointment in the sense that it wasn’t nearly as bad as I hoped it would be. The plot is relatively coherent. The acting isn’t awful. The cinematography is actually downright gorgeous at times. I was anticipating boom mics dipping into shots and costumes purchased at the two-dollar store; what I got was a by-no-means unwatchable B movie.

But having already hyped this movie so much over the past few months, and (probably) being the only human being on Earth who has actually watched it, I feel honour-bound to dedicate a post to the experience. Here goes...

When it comes to adapting oft-told stories starring universally recognized characters (think King Arthur or Robin Hood or Sherlock Holmes or anyone from a superhero comic) you’ll get one of two narrative starting points: either an origin story (occasionally doubling as a reboot) or one that picks up in media res. In the latter case, the story will begin midway through the characters’ adventures, their backstory having been established off-screen, with the assumption being that audiences already know full-well who these people are and what they’re trying to achieve.

Think about it and you’ll see I’m right. Ridley Scott’s 2010 Robin Hood tried to trace the whys and wherefores of how Robin became the famous outlaw, while Disney’s 1973 treatment jumped straight into the action. Daniel Craig’s first outing as James Bond put the character at the beginning of his career, when all the preceding films were just standalone action flicks. Toby Maguire’s first Spiderman was an origin story, as was Andrew Garfield’s, so by the time we got to Tom Holland the studio heads knew they’d just have to dive straight in. Ditto Batman – how many times have we seen Thomas and Martha Wayne get shot in that alley? The latest variation with Robert Pattinson skipped it entirely.

My point is that this take on Robin Hood choses the latter option: as one of the few adaptations that sets itself after King Richard’s death, the film assumes a familiarity with the characters, their motivations and their relationships. The former Sheriff’s vendetta against Robin makes up the crux of the story, the likes of Little John and Friar Tuck turn up without preamble, and it’s clear that the legendary Super Couple already have a reputation as freedom-fighting outlaws.

After some opening credits that look like they were designed on Microsoft PowerPoint, the opening text lays out the story so far: Prince John levied crippling taxes on the people of England, Marian fought against him and exposed the corruption of Sheriff Willliam de Wendenal, and as a reward King Richard essentially poached her boyfriend by “calling Robin to fight with him in foreign lands.”

His absence meant that Marian was forced into hiding (not entirely sure why) and three years later, things are as bad as ever.

So, all this seemingly took place during the period of time in which King Richard came back from the Holy Land, and then left again for France (presumably the “foreign lands” described in the text). Sure enough, the film opens properly with a caption informing us that this is the year 1199. This date lines up with what the Prioress will soon be telling Marian: that King Richard has died in a siege in France – but HOLD THAT THOUGHT! Despite initially impressing me with actually getting this timeline straight, they’ll mess it up soon enough.

Our story begins with a hapless traveller dressed in a costume from Renaissance Fair striding down a road in Sherwood Forest and nervously eying a corpse in a gibbet, which helpfully has the word “poacher” attached to it, written in what looks like felt-tip pen on a piece of cardboard.

This is intercut with shots of a mysterious figure stalking through the trees, in an outfit made of synthetic fur, some questionably pointless beadwork, and a hood that obscures all peripheral vision. Yes, for anyone who watched the BBC’s Robin Hood, there are serious Nightwatchman vibes here.

Despite the fact that the Renaissance Fair Man is on a perfectly straight road, he acts lost and asks directions on how to get to Kirklees Abbey from a silent man who just happens to be ominously sharpening a knife in the forest. The answer? A silent point down the perfectly straight road that he was already travelling on.

If that’s not weird enough, all this is still being spliced with the hooded “man” hunting for game in the forest, with the scene trying to make us believe that he’s about to kill either one of these men instead of a deer.

We then cut to an impoverished couple using an unnecessarily complex pulley system to raise a one-foot framework for a new house in the forest, with the husband gamely trying to convince his wife that their current predicament is a good thing. Judging by his wife’s face, she’s not buying it – or maybe she’s just annoyed that the costume department gave her this hat to wear:

I kinda want to know their backstory, how they got here, and why he thinks living in the wilderness is a good idea, but just then our hooded mystery-person returns with his kill. As he’s leaving the woman darts forward and tells him to run. Turns out her husband was desperate enough to sell out their benefactor to law enforcement, who pop out from... er... behind the cameras I guess, and attack.

The otherwise random inclusion of that pulley system becomes clear when, after a low-budget overly-choreographed fight, the hooded man cuts the rope, is lifted off the ground and high-kicks the men onto the ground. Only it’s pretty obvious by the editing that the actor just jumps at them before running off to the sounds of jaunty violin music.

He runs through the bushes and opens a small trapdoor dug into the earth and we get our big official Seamus is a Girl reveal. Turns out, to the astonishment of all, that the hooded figure is... actually Maid Marian! Who saw that coming? She quickly exchanges her forest garb for a nun’s habit and I honestly really love this. Almost every single version of Marian I can think of could easily be depicted as doing something similar to this: disguising herself to poach on behalf of starving villagers, then hiding herself in a convent. It is a quintessential Maid Marian moment.

This Marian is played by Sophie Craig, and though her features are a little too modern, she acquits herself reasonably well. I recognize absolutely nothing on her IMDB page, but she handles the clunky dialogue as best as can be expected, seems to do most of her own stunts, and has the dark eyes/dark hair combo that I always associate with this character (red-headed Marians are also pretty popular, but blondes are way out. She’ll always be a dark brunette to me). All things considered, it’s not a bad portrayal and she handles the requisite spunk without being obnoxious about it.

She trots back to Kirklees Abbey, and let’s just take a moment to appreciate some of these nun outfits. They’re ill-fitting, are seemingly made out of silk or some other thin fabric, and the actresses are forced to hold down their wimples lest they blow away.

Also, it’s worth pointing out that you can tell Marian is our heroine because she’s the only nun allowed to wear makeup.

The Prioress Elizabeth is showing a man who will be later identified as Father Eustace around the place, while the inevitable Bitchy and Disapproving Sister Agnes (there’s one in every convent) gets on Marian’s case for shirking her duties. Or rather Sister Matilda’s case, as she’s addressed here.

I was curious about why Marian is given the name Matilda, and some rudimentary Googling tells me that after several months of living in an order and taking classes, a prospective nun enters a novitiate, at which point she’ll be assigned a new name. And Sister Agnes actually says: “quite why the good lady Prioress accepted you into the novitiate, I will never know.”

Colour me impressed, movie. And extra points for passing the Bechdel Test less than ten minutes in, even if it is the cliché of an older woman berating a younger one for being too spirited.

So, remember the colourful guy in the Renaissance Fair get-up? Turns out he’s the postman, though we have to assume he’s new to the job since he almost got lost on that extremely straight road. There’s a message from the Sheriff of Nottingham that is given to the Prioress, and other letters are handed out – including one to Marian that she runs off with happily.

In the very next scene, she’s shed her nun’s habit again and takes a necklace hung with an arrowhead. For some reason wraps it around her wrist instead of putting it around her neck, though either way enough attention is drawn to it to let us know it’s a Chekhov’s Gun waiting to go off. But kudos for letting us simply assume it’s a gift from Robin instead of spelling it out to us.

The Prioress approaches and tells her that King Richard has been killed in France, something that Marian accepts with a stone-faced “that’s terrible news.” She clearly doesn’t care, which I suppose is an interesting character choice if you’re going with her blaming the king for taking Robin away, but she must know that this also opens up the throne to Prince John. How about some internal conflict here, girl?

The Prioress rather coyly tells her that Richard’s men will be returning home from the war to see their loved ones (hint hint) and follows up with telling Marian that she’s the worst nun to ever enter the abbey, lightly accusing her of being there only to “mark time”. Putting the pieces together, Marian realizes she’s being given an out – and since her bags are already packed, it’s obvious she was going anyway, telling the Prioress that she’s to meet Robin at the ruins at Ashgate.

It's actually a pretty charming scene, which means I was disappointed later on when it turns out... well, stay tuned.

And okay, what the hell? This is a shot of Marian leaving the Priory:

THIS is a shot of Marian approaching the Priory:

Where the hell did that massive hill go?

For some reason Marian doesn’t stop to get her forest disguise, which looked a lot warmer and more practical (sans the beads) but at this point it becomes clear that director Bill Thomas loves his overhead drone shots of the forest.

Oh, and remember Ominous Pointing Man from the beginning? He reappears and creepily watches Marian as she goes by. Like, he doesn’t even bother to hide himself, and Marian is all WTF? as he stares at her.

She reaches the ruins and I’m absolutely certain that this shot is of an eight-centimetre-tall model positioned so that it looks bigger than it really is:

I’m left wondering why Robin – who obviously knew Marian was at Kirklees since his letter to her was sent there – made her leave the relative safety of the convent in order to meet him in a ruin, but given that Marian starts having flashbacks once she’s there, I suppose we must assume that this was the outlaws’ base of operations. Unfortunately, Marian’s flashbacks involve her taking a swig from an urn, so they all look like she’s reminiscing about getting plastered.

Also, who is this woman supposed to be?

So then we get a quintessential Robin/Marian reunion. You could honestly write this in your sleep: she hears someone sneak up behind her, she turns to attack, it’s obviously Robin, and they hug each other passionately before she immediately switches gears and starts shoving and scolding him. Honestly? I wouldn’t change a thing. 

She’s angry because apparently Robin: “could have sent for me” (what... to France? Why would she go there?) Let’s face it, it doesn’t have to make any sense, it’s all just an excuse for the time-honoured Belligerent Sexual Tension and Slap Slap Kiss tropes, the hallmarks of any Robin/Marian romance, and they tussle with the quarterstaffs before making out again. Then she slaps him in the face and storms off. Nailed it.

All in chronological order, all taking place within a five second span.

Robin is here played by Dominic Anderson who is... well, it’s obviously not his movie, so he suitably doesn’t have that much presence. Marian seems a lot older than him, and for some reason his hair is on backwards.

But he plays along and delivers his lines, and seems aware that it’s not his place to outshine the protagonist. Not bad, just... there. According to IMDB, his most prominent role prior to this one was in The Crown as “Camilla’s date”.

Also, his surcoat seems to be made of felt.

Around the campfire that night, Marian unloads about how Robin ditched her for King Richard, who was a royal fool that led other fools to their deaths, and how both were addicted to danger. No arguments there. Robin tells her that he’s been given land in France and the two of them could get married and become farmers, though she evades the possibility for now.

In this movie’s next big creative choice, we’re given a shot of Robin and Marian casually strolling through the forest... to the sounds of loud, triumphant music. Even though they’re literally just walking. Mmkay. The most interesting thing about the chat they’re having is the namedropping of Little John and Allan-a-Dale, before Marian decides she needs to go down to the stream to clear her head.

Remember that arrowhead she had wrapped around her wrist? She takes it off before fetching water, only to turn around and see two guards approaching. One cudgel to the head later, and she’s knocked unconscious – not an auspicious start to a film that’s ostensibly meant to be about her.

BUT WAIT! She comes to, bound hand and foot, and crawls over to where the arrowhead is hanging in order to cut her bonds. There’s kind of a funny gaff here, as there’s no way in hell that a tiny arrow head is going to cut through that massive rope in any short length of time, and as she’s doing it the branch that the arrowhead is hanging on breaks as the actress pretends to saw through her bonds.

One time-saving edit later, she cuts herself loose and rushes back to where she last saw Robin, finding only his abandoned supplies. They seem to include...  a pillow?

It’s at this point I honestly thought the movie was going to legitimately kill off Robin in order to focus on Marian stepping up as the new legendary hero of Sherwood Forest, but after using her super-tracking skills to follow her assailants through the trees, she walks into a tripwire and is promptly captured again.

One has to wonder why she wasn’t brought along the first time these guys had her in their grasp, but as she’s thrown down beside Robin, we get some genuinely good banter: “Good rescue.” “Good escape.”

Unfortunately it’s followed by the rote “we need to get out of here” line.

Ominous Pointing Man from the first scene reappears, now decked out in the guards’ blue livery, and for a second I got queasy as to how dark this was going to get when he drags Marian away from Robin... but before anything can happen he’s stopped by a well-dressed man who addresses him as “Gisborne”. We have our Guy of Gisborne, everyone.

He also refers to Marian as “Miss Fitzwalter”, so whoever wrote this script (it was the director, Bill Thomas) definitely did some cursory research into the Robin Hood legends.

The man is Sheriff de Wendenal (or so it’s spelt in the opening text, though it’s occasionally pronounced “Wendell” by the actors) who has returned from exile in order to get his revenge against those who exposed his corruption to the king. Another skirmish ensues, with highlights such as Robin throwing a helmet at the Sheriff’s head and temporarily knocking him out, Marian having enough upper body strength to pull a grown man off his feet, and the two of them using nearby shovels (?) as weapons.

But Robin is injured when the Sheriff flings a dagger at Marian and Robin takes the bullet for her. Again, I was convinced that they were going to kill him off, but he manages to stumble into the forest while Marian covers him with a crossbow.

That they literally manage to outrun half-a-dozen guards with a three -second head start in a fairly sparse forest while one of them is badly injured is very special to me. Now this is the content I tuned in for!

Marian pulls the dagger out, and considering Robin is still wearing his Crusader garb, you have to wonder how on earth the blade managed to get all the way through the very obvious leather and chain mail jerkin that he’s wearing under his surcoat. Though to be fair, I think the “chain mail” is represented by sequins.

Marian tends to the wound by roughly shoving some rags up between it and Robin’s clothing, and Little John and Allan are namedropped again (Robin thinks they can meet up with the former and then make for the latter’s house).

But Gisborne and the guards are still closing in on them, and we get to the film’s Signature Scene, one that finally brings into focus what this movie actually is: Die Hard in a Forest. Marian ties a rope to an arrow, shoots it into a nearby tree, tells Robin to take off his surcoat, throws the other end of the rope over a tree branch, and then slides the red surcoat down the rope to distract the guards.

Can we just... parse through this for a second. The rope can only go as far as the crossbow can carry it, which isn’t very far, and the rigged rope system has to start from their position, which can only draw attention to where they’re hiding, and the friction on both the fabric of the coat and the fibres of the rope would make sliding one down the other absolutely impossible... but it works, because of course it does.  

And once the guards realize the ruse, they don’t even think to follow the rope to its other end, but instead scatter in all directions. Foiled again!

I love this ginger guy’s reaction in the background. He’s like... super impressed.

Actually, we need to take a closer look at this guy, because... well, do you spot anything odd about his hair/beard combination?

More running. Marian then says “we need to stay off the main road”, to which the only sensible response is: “you were ON it?” We're then treated to a quick shot of them stumbling through the undergrowth, in which Robin has magically reattained his red surcoat:

It's gone again in the very next shot.

Gingerbeard (my new favourite character) notices that their footprints have left the road and Gisborne splits up his men, commenting that their quarry is going east. I’m not sure what the significance of this is, but his remaining posse are jogging down the road when a man abruptly steps out from the trees. We’ve never seen him before, but he’s big so he must be Little.

Inexplicably, Gisborne’s men don’t just keep running toward and around him (or think to split up) but stop as though he’s just announced himself the tollkeeper of a bridge. Guys, it’s a pretty wide road and there’s at least four of you.

Instead, they try to charge him, and the Curb Stomp Battle that commences is left up to our imaginations.

And then Robin and Marian appear, the former not doing so well, and find to their confusion all of Gisborne’s men lying unconscious on the side of the road. Okay, just hold the phone a second here. We just saw these two LEAVE the main road, which Gisborne and his men continued to follow. If they were running away from it, how on earth did they manage to double-back onto what this overhead shot CLEARLY ascertains is a completely straight road?

Little John greets them with the “you’re late!” remark, which in the realm of fiction is now the standard sassy salutation to friends regardless of what time it is, and we’re treated to more delightful dialogue, such as:

Little John: "What happened?"

Marian: "De Wendenal!"

Little John: "WHAT."

He’s telling them Robin needs to rest when Gisborne’s remaining three men burst out of the forest and are held off by Marian with a longbow. Gingerbeard does the whole *points to his eyes and then at her* and says “see you later, Marian.” Seriously, who the hell IS this guy??

Little John guides them to what is frankly a massive cabin in a wide forest clearing with an honest-to-God fence around the perimeter and tells them: “this place is well hidden.” It’s... it’s really not.

Robin and Marian get their “injured man voices regrets/woman vows she’ll never leave him” scene, and remember what I said earlier about the historical context? It’s been fine so far, but then Robin says: “I never should have left you for Jerusalem.”

Wait, what? You were in FRANCE. Remember? They’ve established the year is 1199 and Richard returned from the Holy Land in 1194. Granted, they keep talking about how Robin has been gone for “three years”, which better accounts for Richard’s time in the Holy Land than in France, but they’ve already established that he just died in France AND that Robin was with him when it happened. Are we meant to believe Richard went straight from the Holy Land to France without going to England in-between? If so, when did he get the time to collect Robin and exile de Wendenal?

Why do I care about this? I’m going to stop now.

At this point I should probably say something about the villains. They’re not unwatchable, but honestly, in a production like this you either have to attain over-the-top ham or madly sinister weirdness. Not everyone can be Alan Rickman in Prince of Thieves, but for goodness sake – go big or go home. These guys are just there, though are hardly helped by the standard bad guy dialogue they’ve been given: “Find them, FIND THEM.” “Don’t just stand there, get them!” “They must be around here somewhere.” “We lost them/yes, I can see that!”

Although I defy anyone to find another film that contains the line: “Sir Fitz, fetch six men and grab the throwers.”

(Also, in the wide-shots, you can very much tell that ADR (automated dialogue replacement) is being utilized, as absolutely no one is moving their mouths).

Little John and Marian decide to leave England entirely, which means moving Robin via a horse and cart. John says he’ll go to his cousin’s house to fetch them, and Marian says she’ll buy them some time while Robin is resting.

We then get a montage of Marian home-aloneing the forest, by herself, in a matter of minutes, and let’s take a moment to appreciate the fact she’s managed to rig this up in about three seconds:

Damn, I love this shit.

We are now at the halfway mark of the film, and I’d like to take this moment to say that this would have made a great BBC Robin Hood episode, taking place halfway through season two, after Marian joins the other outlaws in the forest. Imagine her and Robin off somewhere by themselves in the deep woods: Robin gets injured and Marian has to take the lead in protecting him, getting him medical attention, and avoiding Guy, who in my hypothetical episode is hunting Robin but not realizing Marian is with him.

But one must never underestimate that show’s ability to throw away everything that made it good, and ignore anything that could have made it better.

Back in this version of the story, Gisborne and his men blunder stupidly into Marian’s traps, and she makes it back to the cabin and offers to make Robin some broth. But any domestic bliss they might enjoy is shattered by the fact that the “very well hidden” cabin has been found and Little John taken captive.

At least three armed guards against an injured man and an unarmed young woman find this door an insurmountable obstacle to getting inside, and Marian holds them off by throwing her broth over them. Again, this is what their defenses look like:

Robin? Maybe don't put your head in front of the big gap in the door?

“How did they find us?” “I have no idea.” I mean, the large cabin in the open clearing in the vicinity of Marian’s variety of traps was very well hidden, so it’s a total mystery.

The Sheriff has his men bring out those mysterious “throwers” that he spoke of earlier, and it’s exactly as idiotic as you’d expect:

However, I do have to admit to being mildly impressed that they shout “loose” instead of “fire.”

Marian’s response? She grabs a flaming torch, runs outside, lights fire to a wagon full of hay, and pushes it towards the guards, who just... stand there until they’re knocked over. No one thinks to shoot her before she does any of this. Amazing.

There’s also a cute bit of banter between Robin and Marian before she causes her distraction, in which she says she’ll marry him IF he obeys her instructions to run for the river and find Tuck (the first time he’s been namedropped).

Robin: “Don’t do anything foolish.”

Marian: “I just said I’d marry you, didn’t I?”

Oh, the corny young lovers-ness of it all.

As she rushes to untie Little John, Robin makes a dash for it out the back, but rather than moving away from the guards and using the trees as cover, he choses to instead run straight through the Sheriff’s line of sight. The Sheriff promptly shoots him with one of the “throwers”, Robin is badly injured for the second time in a single afternoon, and I am again seriously fooled by the possibility that they’re going to Kill Him Off For Real. I mean, that whole marriage conversation felt like a lead-in to a tragic death, right?

John stays behind to fend off the guards but soon gets gang-bashed, while Marian struggles to get Robin all the way to Kirklees Abbey – and that giant hill that it was originally situated on has returned. The first nun they run into is Sister Agnes, who on learning that the injured man is Robin, cries: “Jesus, Matilda!” because taking the Lord’s name in vain is something that nuns are wont to do.

Agnes tries to get rid of them, but Marian begs for sanctuary and Robin is taken inside, with Agnes helpfully looking over the giant spear sticking out his back and saying: “we need to get it out.” Well, yeah. The Prioress comes in to find out what’s going on, learns that Willliam de Wendenal is probably on his way there, and directs Marian to seek out help from the new Sheriff, who is hunting in *vague direction*

Robin promises they'll be gone as soon as they can, to which the Prioress tells him: "you won't be walking anywhere for days." I only point this out because he'll be running and jumping and fighting in about twenty minutes time. 

It's at this point that anyone familiar with the Robin Hood legends (specifically the end of them) may be sensing the slow ascent of several red flags, especially when we’re given this shot of the Prioress watching Marian leave:

If you did, then you’re more observant than I, as I honestly didn’t twig to any of this on my first viewing.

Marian runs down the hill again, and WHAT THE HELL?? Where did this massive rock formation come from?? They literally showed us a wide-shot of the Abbey twenty seconds ago and there was NOTHING like this before!! Jeez, I’m beginning to realize how the postman got lost on a straight road. The geography of this country makes no sense.

The establishing shot from twenty seconds ago!!

Marian: runs.

She somehow (?!) finds the campsite of the current Sheriff, and there’s some back-and-forth as a guard tries to stop her, a man called Simon introduces himself as second-in-command, Marian warns them as to what’s going on, and the Sheriff is awoken from his tent. He seems mildly sympathetic if not a little untrustworthy, but it hardly matters as he’s almost immediately shot dead with an arrow fired from the forest.

Marian grabs a sword and runs after the assailant, with Simon in close pursuit. Marian catches up to the killer, who is clearly a woman, and for a second there I thought it was Sister Agnes before she trips over and is revealed to be... the young wife from the very beginning of the film, the one who tried to warn Marian before the guards attacked. Yeah, it’s a bit random.

Marian tries to figure out what the hell’s going on and the woman tells her she had no choice; that “they” have her family, right before she’s shot dead by Simon who then tries to pin all the carnage on Marian.

I can’t blame Marian for being a bit slow on the uptake, as very little of this makes any sense. Marian couldn’t possibly be blamed for murdering the Sheriff as she was right in front of him when he was shot, and if Simon’s story is that her role in his death was to lure the Sheriff into the open, about a dozen witnesses saw her run after the assassin once the arrow was fired.

That’s not even getting into questions regarding how the other woman was informed that Marian was on her way and at what precise moment she should kill the Sheriff, where she learnt to shoot in the first place with such assassin-level precision, or who on earth organized her family’s captivity to blackmail her in the first place. And we’ll never know, because none of it is ever explained.

Marian goes running up that inexplicable hill again, now framed for murder.

Earlier scenes have depicted Sister Agnes successfully pulling the giant arrow out of Robin’s side, and the Prioress urges her to let another nun take over the stitching. But now Marian returns to find Agnes outside, telling her that the doors have been locked and that for some reason the Prioress isn’t answering.

Marian kicks down the doors, which is hilarious because they don’t smash open, just swing open, making it very obvious that they were never locked in the first place, and rushes inside.

I have to admit that at this point I was hopelessly confused as to what was going on regarding Robin. You have the benefit of my recap, but it’s all very vague in the film itself. On first arriving at the abbey, Marian kept saying “he’s dying”, and now he’s lying there, completely prone. I assumed he was already dead, and when Agnes leaves the room to fetch her medicines, Marian hears a cry off-screen. Agnes staggers back in, her gown all bloody, and collapses on the ground.

The Sheriff follows and starts to monologue: he could have chased Robin all over the Holy Land, but instead he spent the last three years watching Marian, knowing that Robin would eventually return to her – or rather, his COUSIN spent that time watching her. His cousin being the Prioress. Dun, dun, DUUUUUUN.

It’s at this point I kick myself for completely forgetting that an evil Prioress is a fairly crucial part of the Robin Hood legends, and admit to being a bit disappointed that it’s the case here: I thought her and Marian’s conversation at the beginning of the film was rather sweet. But it was all a lie! And now they’ve killed Sister Agnes!  

Marian palms a knife from the table, and as soon as the Sheriff’s Evil Gloating comes to an end, she stabs him in the back and runs away. Again I ask: what the hell is up with Robin? Is he dead now? Does Marian just think he’s dead? Is she rushing off somewhere to get help? This is the third time they’ve tried to convince us that Robin is really truly a goner this time, so I was baffled when the Sheriff turns to the Prioress and tells her: “you have work to do,” and she turns to Robin still lying unconscious/dead on the table.

Still, there’s an amusing moment when the Sheriff tells his men to “get after her, kill her!” and then pretty much immediately tells his cousin: “who cares about [Marian]? What harm could she possibly do us?” Is he even watching the movie he’s in?

So I’m pretty baffled at this point. Is Robin dead? What is the “work” the Prioress has to do on him/his potentially dead body? Is it a slow blood-letting as per the legend? Why doesn’t the Sheriff just run a sword through him? There are answers forthcoming to these burning questions, so if you’re still with me, hang in there.

Marian runs some more, through Sherwood Forest by night, stopping only for a dramatic fall-to-her-knees anguished cry. Which means that she at least believes that Robin is dead.

And now, remember Father Eustace that the Prioress was showing around Kirklees right at the beginning of the film? He also unexpectedly returns, camped out by the side of the road. It’s a bit random, and unclear why he isn’t just staying the night at the abbey as any sensible person would, but then, who else should make an appearance at this point? He’s portly, he’s bald, he’s a monk – it’s Tuck of course.

He and Marian clearly recognize each other, but Eustace addresses him as “Brother Common”, a name that Tuck repeats with meaningful emphasis and rapid-fire blinking, communicating to Marian that he’s deliberately hiding his true identity. Why exactly is he doing this? Once again, unclear and never explained.

As soon as Father Eustace is out of earshot, Tuck tells Marian that Robin is still alive, though how he knows this for certain is a complete mystery. Apparently a “messenger” came to Tuck’s abbey to tell them de Wendenal has captured Robin and plans to execute him (and John) in the morning.

This is an extremely tight time-frame considering Marian has literally just left Robin, though if you squint, I suppose it all works: Marian ran into the forest, believing Robin to be dead. Father Eustace left Kirklees in the mid-morning and on returning to his abbey was greeted by the messenger telling him to travel to the appointed place of execution. Tuck went with him, and relays all this information to Marian when she stumbles upon their camp at nightfall.

Now with renewed hope, Marian wants to organize a rescue party, and Allan is mentioned again, as is Will Scarlett for the first time. Tuck, who is a raging pessimist in this version of the story, tells her that there’s nothing she can do and they have to leave Robin to his fate.

Marian... you guessed it... runs some more, this time back to the ruins at Ashgate where she uncovers an old weapons stash and gives us this pretty cool shot:

Back at Camp Bad Guy, which appears to be a small forest village where the execution is set to take place, the Sheriff has dived straight into the old baddie cliché of discussing all his evil plans with an accomplice – in this case, the Prioress. They congratulate themselves on having captured Robin and inviting all the local Barons to the impending execution, then Simon arrives to bring the Sheriff the distinctive chain that the last Sheriff was wearing before he was killed.  

We also see the Prioress tending to the wound Marian inflicted on the Sheriff, and NOW I get it. She deliberately saved Robin’s life at Kirklees for the sole purpose later executing him in front of a crowd. But then... why has the Sheriff been making very serious attempts to kill him this whole time?

Naturally, the bad guys try to draw out the ceremony for as long as possible, giving Marian ample opportunity to do some sneaking around, and even though only about five extras are present, the sound editor plays the noise of a large crowd booing and jeering when Robin is dragged out of a nearby hut. Points for trying.

(On a completely random note, it’s clearly drizzling when they shot this scene: you can see the raindrop speckles on the Prioress’s habit and all the men have damp hair. It’s always kind of cute when this happens).

Also, what do these women have on their heads? For a second there I thought the one on the left was that awful Man-Dressed-as-Pikachu meme that’s currently going around Tumblr.

Marian starts a-stabbing the guards on the outskirts of the village as Robin and Little John are taken to the block. Tuck gets his act together and discreetly knocks out Gisborne, the Sheriff gets in a final “I win” speech to Robin, and just as the axe is about to fall, our heroine shoots him dead and steps out of the forest looking like this:

It's the money shot from the trailer! What follows is a gloriously awkward swordfight, in which all Marian has to do is literally grab her assailants’ weapons out of their hands and push them a little. It’s great.

But I am EXTREMELY confused as to how Robin and John are unable to move. I mean, their hands are tied, but they seem to be having trouble just standing up, even though they’re not actually bound to the blocks in any way.

John eventually realizes this and indeed, just stands up to attack the Sheriff, though Robin is still struggling with the concept. Thankfully he manages to escape when John just pulls the rope off his hands like they’re bracelets.

In my favourite bit of insanity, the Prioress comes up behind John and starts strangling him with her crucifix before Robin knocks her out with the executioner’s axe, and Marian chases after the Sheriff who has done a runner into the woods. “This ends today,” she declares.

She catches up to him and calls his name, and adorably we get the shink sound of his sword being drawn a good solid second before it actually happens on-screen. More awkward sword-fighting ensures, and the Sheriff gets the upper-hand before talking for about a thousand years about power and love and stars and the weakness of women before Marian just kicks him in the balls. Now with her sword pointed at his throat, she gets her big moment:

“Think on this in your prison cell. Everywhere I go, every inn, every town, I’ll tell the story of Robin Hood. Everyone will know the legend of the bowman, and you’ll hear his name every day, until the day you die.”

That was an extremely Robin-centric speech for a film that’s called The Adventures of Maid Marian, and the whole concept of Robin Hood as a legend hasn’t exactly been a point of contention for the Sheriff at any point of the film anyway.

But then he jumps up to stabs her in the back when Robin and John appear, and she instinctively kills him without even turning around. So it was kind of a waste of a good speech, though I suppose I should be grateful that at least she’s the one who got to end him.

Robin stumbles up and the two embrace. John smiles as they kiss. Then the three of them turn and head off into the forest together, and as far as I can tell (the audio was obviously dubbed in afterwards) Robin asks: “So what do we do?” to which Marian answers: “Run for trouble?”

There is a lovely pan-up through the trees... BUT WAIT! We get a stinger, in which King John receives word of the Sheriff’s death at Marian’s hands (I’m glad she’s getting credit, but how on earth would anyone know this?) Word came from Simon, who is then appointed Sheriff in his place and told to prepare for a journey to Nottingham... to the sounds of that jaunty violin music, which kind of undercuts the ominousness of the scene.

(I blame the MCU for the current requirement to set up sequel bait at the end of every single film that exists, and in this case I seriously, seriously doubt we’ll be getting a franchise out of this).

The adorably basic end credits roll (the font is even in Times New Roman!) which gives names to characters who went without one in the film itself (apparently the assassin woman was called Erika) and credits someone as King Richard, who was definitely Sir Not Appearing in this Film.

And that’s The Adventures of Maid Marian!

As with most low-budget passion-projects, you’re left marvelling that it even exists at all. Watching this film is like watching a bunch of LARPers running around in the woods, with a plot just hangs together, involving enough period-appropriate terms and nods to the legend that makes you concede that someone was paying attention, even if it’s in a film that looks like it cost about twenty dollars to produce.

It was the right decision to assume that audiences were already familiar with the Robin Hood story, throwing us straight into the action and the relationships, though it was a bit disappointing that Allan-a-Dale and Will Scarlett are only ever namedropped (and after Tuck knocks out Gisborne he’s never seen again either). As I mentioned at the start of this recap, my main disappointment with the film is that it isn’t bad enough – the acting, the directing, the pacing – it’s all competent enough to make The Adventures of Maid Marian watchable without providing the fun of relentlessly mocking it.

There’s some amusement to be had in the wonky fight scenes and the costuming, but it’s not the absolute trainwreck the trailer promised. And so for that, I salute them.

In all seriousness though, I would love a decent, high-budget film that’s strictly about Marian while Robin is off on Crusades (or even just doing his thing as an outlaw in the forest). There’s a ton of material to work with: castle espionage, sabotage, spycraft, rubbing shoulders with the royal family... I like the idea of Marian hiding out in a convent for her own safety but venturing out in disguise to help those in need, and in that setting there’s a real opportunity for various female characters to meaningfully interact with each other (surely at least a few nuns would have to be in on Marian’s secret).

In fact, Marian striking out on her own is what I originally thought this movie was going to be all about, and so I was mildly disappointed when Robin appeared at the twenty-minute mark. Marian keeping the home fires burning would make a great basis for a film, though I’m sure any Hollywood movie predicated on this premise wouldn’t be able to resist letting Robin ultimately save the day.

Ah well, until then we’ve got The Adventures of Maid Marian.