March 15th

You've all heard the news by now: yesterday my city was attacked by a terrorist who targeted two mosques and murdered fifty people. This is unprecedented in New Zealand, for although there have been shootings before, never at this scale and never for explicitly political/religious/racist reasons. 

Like I said on Tumblr, it feels like the end of our innocence. Whenever we saw these attacks overseas, we would inevitably tell ourselves: "that will never happen here." No more. 

In a bid to process all of this, I'm going to write down the events of the day, as they happened to me.

Obviously it started completely normally. I got up and went to my first shift at Papanui Library for two hours. I was in a good mood because the Endgame trailer had dropped that morning, and I was planning to see Captain Marvel with a friend tomorrow. 

As it happens, Papanui Library is across the road from Papanui High, my former high school, which figures into all this later. 

I went home for my lunch break before driving to Bishopdale Library for a five hour shift that started at 1pm. This is always the longest part of my week, as Friday afternoons always seem to drag on forever. I have a technique in my head which helps me break down the time, and an hour went by as normal.

I had a conversation with one co-worker about Star Wars and how much I loved Ahsoka Tano. I processed a crate of books that people had put on hold. I gave a trolley full of material to our shelver who had run out of things to put back on the shelves. 

Then a regular customer approached me with his phone in hand. Full disclosure, I groaned internally, as he's constantly telling staff about various updates on his device that none of us particularly care about.

But this time he told me that there were reports of a shooting at a mosque in Christchurch. I believe I said something like: "yikes, that don't sound good," as he's a little eccentric and I wasn't sure how seriously I should take him.

Still, I was curious enough to get on the staff computer and try to find out what was going on, though reports were vague and the situation seemed contained.  

We all carried on. I helped out another couple of customers, and then another regular arrived and mentioned that he had seen armed policemen down the street, where a mosque is situated.

From this point on, it's a little difficult to remember the exact sequence of events. Soon after that we checked the internet again and it became apparent that two mosques, one on Dean's Ave and another on Linwood Ave had been hit by an armed gunman. 

This was disturbing as it suggested a coordinated attack involving more than one person (though we found out later it was a single shooter, who started at one location before driving to the other).

About fifteen more minutes past, and still no one had really grasped the full extent of the situation. However, I do recall becoming very disturbed at fresh reports that shots had been fired at the Christchurch City Hospital, as this suggested a third gunman was involved, who had deliberately gone to the hospital to target survivors of the initial shooting.

(As it happened, these reports were later confirmed false). 

By this stage some intense conversation had begun in our backroom, and one of my younger colleagues got on her phone, trying to call her mother who works in the central city.

It was at this point I decided I should give my own mother a text - not because I was worried that she or I were in danger, but because I was starting to feel the true extent of the situation. I knew from the Christchurch earthquakes that she appreciated immediate updates on everyone's safety should anything happen.

My exact text was: "hey everyone is talking about a shooting at a mosque so I'm just texting to say we're ok", sent at 2:39. 

I remember thinking at this point that the kids who usually flood the place after school probably wouldn't turn up, as parents would be a bit panicked and want them home.

Things began to move quickly after this, and yet (believe it or not) we STILL hadn't quite realized the full extent of what was going on. It only became clear when our supervisor (who was on site; long story, it has to do with one of our larger libraries being closed for renovations) left the backroom and informed us the police had requested a lockdown of all Christchurch City Council buildings. 

She began going up to customers and informing them that they weren't allowed to leave the premises - or if they wanted to go, they had to go right now. Yes, this totally defeats the purpose of an immediate lockdown, but it only demonstrates how utterly unused to this sort of thing we are. 

I recall there was at least one mother and her two children who left immediately, but everyone else either opted to stay, or weren't reached until after the doors were locked.

You have to go through two doors to enter the library: first a large automatic door that opens onto an atrium that provides access to the library, toilets and hall, the second a sliding door that opens straight into the library. Since the outer door is automatically (and remotely) locked on a timer each night, we had no way of locking it. 

However, I grabbed the key to the internal door, double-checked with my supervisor to make sure this was actually happening, and locked us in. By this point it would have been about 3:00.

We began going around the library to check on customers, offering them cups of tea, letting them use the phone, showing them where the staff toilet was, but most of them had devices of their own, or got on the library computers to start livestreaming events.

We did a headcount and there were thirteen members of the public inside, as well as seven staff members. Mercifully there were no children.

I called my father, who actually works at Isleworth Kindergarten, which is within walking distance of the library. He answered straight away and confirmed that he too was in lockdown with most of the children and (thankfully) their parents, who had come to pick them up. At least one of the parents was distraught, knowing she had family members at the mosque.

Neither one of us had heard from mum, though I wasn't too concerned: she works with special needs children, which naturally takes up a lot of attention. We figured she might be so immersed in caregiving that she wouldn't even know about the situation, and wouldn't be anywhere near her cellphone.

By this point we were essentially roaming the library, looking out the windows and checking the computers for more information as it was released. The carpark emptied very quickly, though there were still a few people roaming around. We had news that the YMCA and supermarket were in lockdown, and collectively agreed the library was the best place to be stuck. (Though I remember my supervising asking: "what happens when it starts to get dark?")

Throughout all this, at least six people came to the library door to return books. I made a sign for the door that read: "lockdown, no entry", as most customers had come on foot and obviously had no idea a shooting had taken place (I told one man through the doors and he looked at me as though I'd just spoken in a foreign language). 

At first we were unlocking the doors to take their books (told you we were hopeless at this) though we quickly stopped and instead told people the police were advising the public to go home and stay home. A phone call from the Council informed us the outside sliding door had been locked, so after this point we no longer had to turn people away. 

At 3:53 I had a text from mum, and I can say my hands were shaking a little when I read that she was safe, but also on lockdown at the school. By this point it was apparent that all schools were in lockdown, as were malls and civic buildings.

At one point a colleague called me to the staff computer at the back of the library and informed me that the shooter had livestreamed his actions on Facebook. We watched about three seconds before a) I realized there was no way I wanted to see it, and b) another customer came up behind us in order to watch, which I was under no circumstances going to be responsible for. We shut down the computer.

On hearing that the Prime Minister was going to speak at 4:00, we arranged chairs around the most convenient computer, and staff and customers alike gathered around to listen. There wasn't much to go on: conflicting reports on how many people had been arrested, how many were dead/injured, some eyewitness reports, a statement from a high-ranking police officer, and reports that the shooter had released an on-line manifesto.

Throughout all this I was keeping tabs on an older gentlemen with a hearing aid and an elderly woman, feeding them information as it came. At one point I told the woman: "the man responsible was Australian-born", and she replied (paraphrasing): "they're born here, but ... we need to have a very strict screening process before letting them in. I lived over there for a while and they can look you in the eye and just LIE." The way she said the word with such relish sticks with me.

I was a little confused at her statement and responded that anyone of any race was capable of lying, and as she backtracked I realized she was under the impression that the shooter was Muslim. I corrected her and said: "the shooter was a white supremacist". She started a little, and then said: "the silly fool."

Yeah, when the shooter was a Muslim, he was part of an entire race who could look you in the eye and LIE, when it was a white guy he became "a silly fool." 

Suffice to say, I wasn't particularly motivated to offer her any more cups of tea after that. 

There was a report that an update would be given on the lockdown at 5pm, though as luck would have it, we learned that this would actually take place at 5:30 after telling all the customers about it. I texted my friends, thinking that the initial influx of calls and texts would have died down by now, and learned that one had managed to get her kids out of school before the lockdown (no idea how she managed that) and the other was waiting for the all-clear. 

As we headed toward 6pm, the customers finally began to get restless, especially when the news came through that the lockdown had been lifted at the schools and parents could go pick up their children. Unfortunately, we had to wait for the go-ahead from the City Council, though thankfully the email came through only a few minutes later. 

The doors were unlocked, and everyone could leave. One young man had called his girlfriend to come pick him up, and their reunion outside was sweet to see. We thanked everyone for their patience, quickly ran through the closing procedures, and were heading to our cars only about fifteen minutes later than we usually would have. 

There's not much more to say. It happened yesterday, and it already feels like a million years ago. The library was shut today, and the streets are pretty quiet, though I can hear children playing outside (there's a chance a lot of them don't fully understand what's happened). 

It's since become clear that there was only one active shooter, but two more people have been arrested. A fourth suspect was caught and handcuffed to the railings of Papanui High School after police saw him running down the railway line in camouflage gear, but it's since emerged that he was unconnected to the crime and is now suing the police. 

At home that night, I listened to our prime minister make this statement:

Our thoughts and our prayers are with those who have been impacted today. 

Christchurch was their home. For many, this may not have been the place they were born, in fact for many, New Zealand was their choice. 

The place they actively came to, and committed to. The place they were raising their families. Where they were parts of communities that they loved and who loved them in return. It was a place that many came to for its safety. A place where they were free to practice their culture and their religion. 

For those of you who are watching at home tonight, and questioning how this could have happened here. 

We, New Zealand, we were not a target because we are a safe harbour for those who hate. 

We were not chosen for this act of violence because we condone racism, because we are an enclave for extremism.

We were chosen for the very fact that we are none of those things. 

Because we represent diversity, kindness, compassion. A home for those who share our values. Refuge for those who needs it. And those values will not and cannot be shaken by this attack.

We are a proud nation of more than 200 ethnicities, 160 languages. And amongst that diversity we share common values. And the one that we place the currency on right now is our compassion and support for the community of those directly affected by this tragedy. 

And secondly, the strongest possible condemnation of the ideology of the people who did this. 

You may have chosen us – we utterly reject and condemn you.   

It seems a strange and horrible coincidence that Friday was the same day children all across the country (and the world) marched out of schools to protest climate change, The best and the worst of our city converged in Christchurch yesterday afternoon.

For my own mental health I've been avoiding most of the coverage - there'll be time to get the full story when all the facts become clear, though in all honesty, what else is there to learn? One white supremacist is no different from another white supremacist, each one is just as ugly and empty and banal as the next.  

But I do want to say that white supremacists and domestic terrorists don't just happen.

If you have a platform that reaches thousands of people, and you use that platform to spread hatred, then you are responsible for the evil acts your words inspire. I blame the killer for this atrocity, but I also I blame the websites that sold him the fake "white genocide" narratives, I blame the public figures who use these attacks to further their own political careers by stoking fear and division, and I blame networking services who continue to give right-wing provocateurs platforms for their vile racism and war-mongering. They are all complicit, and they all have blood on their hands. 

Terrorism has finally reached New Zealand. We can no longer say "it never happens here."